Saturday, August 28, 2010

Still Life with Dwarfs and Beer #5

I think there's probably this preconceived notion out there that miniature dwarfs only defend meat and beer. But that's a vicious lie—probably spread by miniature elves. Dwarfs acknowledge that consuming the occasional vegetable fends off scurvy and aids digestion. Hence the following:
 Still Life with Dwarfs and Beer #5

My good friend Sigurd Kneecapper is guarding my Greek salad and a delectable brew called Easy Street Wheat in an Ommegang Witte glass.

The Greek salad is simple stuff: Roma tomatoes and cucumber, chopped basil, sprinkled with feta cheese, olive oil, and fresh-ground black pepper. Easy Street Wheat is from Odell Brewing in Ft. Collins, CO, and it was recommended to me a couple weeks ago by Anonymous in the comments after I sampled 90 Shilling Ale from the same brewer (in Still Life with Dwarfs and Beer #3). Best Anonymous tip I've ever received—this beer has won five medals, including two golds, so you don't really need me to tell you it's freakin' good! It's exponentially more drinkable than that mass-produced beer that makes claims to drinkability, and it has just a whisper of sharpness to its taste that keeps it refreshing. Ommegang is a brewery in upstate NY near Cooperstown, and their Witte is very good. Their Three Philosophers Ale makes a guest appearance in my third book.

And now let's take a closer look at the stout sentinel, Sigurd:
If you try to score some of my Easy Street, Sigurd isn't going to make it easy for you. He aims low, you see—and I don't mean because he's a dwarf. He's swingin' for the knees first, and then when you're down and screaming, he'll leisurely swing that hammer at your squishy parts. You won't be thinking about my awesome beer at that point.
I pay Sigurd very well to guard my grub. That's why his (pick one) gromril/mithril/yourmomril armor is gold-kissed, from the chain to the plate to the spectacle helmet.

Remember to come back on Tuesday, when I'll have my 3:2 Interview with Gail Carriger!


  1. What are the magical properties of Yourmomril armor? I must have missed it in the rulebook. Did they post a rules update lately I haven't seen? :-)

    Thanks for the games today - my Orcs definitely won't be talking as much trash about your Dwarfs behind their backs. They're going to be on a strict exercise regimen over the next couple weeks to make sure they're more prepared for next time!

  2. I am so glad you asked! Yourmomril is perhaps the most interesting of all the ~ril metals coveted and crafted by the dorfs. Loved and trusted by the warrior wearing it, Yourmomril armor is almost always the butt of lewd jokes for the rest of the army, which tend to send the warrior into an adolescent rage. Warriors wearing Yourmomril do a Yourmom test before their first close combat. On a 5+ roll on one D6, they go completely caveman and get +5 initiative and +1 WS for that turn, allowing them (in most cases) to strike first and hit their opponent. If they roll a 3 or 4, nothing extraordinary happens. If they roll a 1 or 2, they try to prove the superiority of their Yourmomril armor by letting their enemy hit them first (enemy gets an automatic hit, auto first strike).

    Had a great time—dorfs turned out tougher than I thought! Need to paint the crossbowman and the clansman now. :)

    Um...if you're not Alan and you're wondering WTF we're talking about, don't worry. We're nerds. We took a test to prove it and everything, and we are secure in our nerdhood.

  3. My main dwarf character uses a warhammer, though it looks a lot more workmanlike than this one. His nickname isn't 'ribcrusher' for nothing!

  4. Love it! So fun to come up with names like that. "Spleensmasher" is probably my current favorite. :)